- The Screen goes static for a quick second before cutting to a nice helicopter view of a small group of islands, before an unknown voice starts narrorating the scenery*
???: Ah, yes, the South Pacific. Home to many, many island nations of different cultures and languages, and this little island you see right here, is no different. This, is Tuvalu. One of the smallest nations on the planet. And those of you watching at home may not be familiar with this place, but oh trust me, after this season is all said and done, you will be. Because this will be the home to fifteen unlucky contestants for the next month or so.
(The man speaking finally shows up on camera, standing on a beach like area.)
Man: Hi, I'm Dean Ambrose. WWE Superstar and former member of the now split-up Shield. And since it seems I'm gonna most likely be buried out of the spotlight more than either of my former tag partners, I have decided to make a name for myself elsewhere, and that is reality TV. And so I will be your host for this season of: Total. Drama. Balls of Steel!
Cuts Back To Show
Dean: Okay, we have a bit of a tight schedule here, so, without further ado, let's bring in the cotestants, shall we? First up, Rocker.
Rocker: Dis Dick.
Dean: Next up, GO
GO: WE RP NOW!
Dean: Uh, yeah, sure, maybe later.... And here comes Fiz!
Fiz: So can we like, twerk now?
Ultra: Hi! I'm Ultra, and I even brought some Mickey D's for you all!
(Dean Ambrose snatches the bags of McDonald's from Ultra's hand and throws it far into the ocean)
Ultra: Hey! What was that for, you jerk!?
Dean: Did you not read the contract as you signed it!? NO OUTSIDE FOOD ALLOWED ON THE ISLAND!............ Anyways, here's Toast!
Dean: Somebody clearly isn't in such a happy mood!
Toast: Sorry, you just talk too much. Hey, this island looks tasty, cans I cooks it up?
Dean: No......... And here is Rocky!
Rocky: Ass or GTFO. No really, where are all the hot girls at? This sausagefest blows!
Heo: Hey guys! How's it going?
Everyone else: ..........
Bat: So, are we like, guarunteed safe medical supplies out here? Cus my doctor says I need to take these pills like everyday, or else I can act extremely annoying.
Rocky: As if you aren't being annoying already?
Meta: Howdy do! The fact alone that I'm already here is like, wicked stuff, man!
Dark: I'm too Max Goof for you!
Dean: Our ONLY female contestant this season, Ally!
Ally: Hey boys! I hope we can all get along real well! Ew, don't look at me! Just kidding! I love you all!
(Heo immediately rushes up to Ally and starts drooling)
Heo: H-Hie, my name is Heonzo100x, but you can just call me Heo! *whispers* Although my real name is Benny!
Ally: Uh, hi, HEO, nice to meet you.
(Ally then continues on past Heo as he continies to give shiny, googly eyes staring at her while she walks away from him)
Heo: *to self* She's just so..... beautiful!
Dean: Um, ok then................. RJ!
RJ: Like, OMG! I ALWAYS wanted to be on #Survivor!
Dean: Uh, this isn't "Survivor"
RJ: Like, duh! You think I didn't know that!? I'm just saying that because I'm gonna try to make sure I turn this show into Survivor as much as possible! Like, yay me!
Dean: And last but not least, Grass!
Grass: *looks at other contestants* These are the people whom I'm gonna have to work with?
(We then see JRO get out his Nintendo 3DS and dirty Dawn pictures)
Grass: *sigh* Alright, if you say so.
Dean: Okay, now that we have everyone here. Let me announce the teams and theme of the season! As you may know, Survivor: Cagayan was critically acclaimed by critics and audiences alike! That is why we will be going for a similar approach, only this time, it will be Pips vs Kikes vs Plebs!
Rocky: *In Confessional* Pips vs Kikes vs Plebs!? How is that even possible when I dare say that I'm none of those three!
Dean: Okay, first team will consist of: Heo................ Grass............ Chip............ GO................ and Ultra! You guys are Team Kikes!
Chip: Um, excuse moi!
Dean: Yes, what is it?
Chip: I find me being on Team Kikes to be very offensive!
Dean: How so?
Chip: Well, you see, I'm Jewish, and the word Kike is used as an offensive term to my religion.
Dean: It is?
Chip: Do I studder?
Dean: Hmm..... Well, the reason we placed you on the Kikes is because of your attention hogginf with all your OC's, drawings, and fanfictions. Plus, not to mention when you tried to re-open the TDRPFF Wiki. so yeah, screw your reasoning!
Moving on, team two will consist of: Fiz............ Dark....... Rocky.......... Meta....... and Toast! You guys are Team Pips!
Fiz: Yay! Let's go Pips!
Dean: That means that team three consists of: Bat....... Ally........ RJ........ JRO....... and Rocker! You guys are Team Plebs!
Bat: Um, what is exactly is a "pleb"?
Dean: Look in the mirror, and you shall find the answer, my friend.
Rocker: *In Confessional* Ain't nobody gonna be calling me a pleb after I win this! Just watch, Keanu Reeves will prevail!
Chip: *In Confessional* Everyone knows that I'm just too sexy for my clothes... And my teammates... and this island. Heck, you guys might as well hand me the million dollars right now, since there is no point in going through all of this as we all know what the outcome will be anyways. So yeah, smd, tyvm! :3
Dean: Now, let's get to our first challenge of the season, shall we?
Ok, so this is how it will work: The three teams will be staying on three different sections spread out on the outter parts of the island. When you arrive at your camps, you will try to build the best shelter you possibly can with the resources you can get. you will all have 24 hours, then I will stop by each camp and judge your shelters based on different categories, the the two teams with the highest overall scores will win immunity, as well as flint for you to make fire. The losers that come in last place will recieve absolutely nothing other than a date with yours truly at the elimination ceremony! Sounds simple and boring, I know, but trust me, the challenges get more and more painful and exhausting as we go. Now, chop chop!
(The scene fades to the Plebs camp)
Bat: So like, how are we gonna do this?
Rocker: We jump you, that's what!
Ally: Rocker shut up! Just kidding! I love you! :3
RJ: I say we get long tree branches and tie them up together, and use giant leaves for our roof and curtains and stuff! You know, just like on #Survivor!
RJ: No!? What do you mean no!?
Rocker: I mean, we're not doing your shitty Survivor ideas, so either come up with something else or gtfo!
Bat: Now Rocker, don't be r00d to RJ!
RJ: Yeah, I'm innocent!
Rocker: *rolls eyes* Whatever.
Bat: Say, where is JRO? Anyone seen him?
Ally: I think I saw him hiding behind the bushes.
(the four of them then look into the bushes to see JRO crouched down drooling over hot video game and cartoon chicks)
JRO: Oh hey guys! Vidoe games rule! Capcom never fails to dissapoint with creating nice asses!
Bat: Like, asses and boobs are gross!
Rocker: Bat, are you gay?
Bat: No! Stop being so r00d to me, okay!
Rocker: It was just a question, damn.
(The scene then cuts to the Kikes camp)
Heo: Okay, so I say we vote on how we build our shelter. After all, Democracy rules! Also, Hillary Clinton 2016!
Grass: Nah, Jesse Ventura 2016!
Ultra: I still can't believe that weird looking guy just threw away my food like that! The five of us could have all had dinner!
GO: WE DO CHALLNGE NOW!
Grass: Relax, GO. We ARE doing the challenge right now, so calm your tits.
GO: OH........ OKAY!
Chip: I say we build it my way. I know what's best for us.
Heo: And how exactly could we possibly trust you?
Chip: Cus, if we do this challenge my way, and we lose, then I promise I'll volunteer to get voted out first.
Grass: Alright, Chip, you can take charge from here on, Heo, can I talk to you somewhere a bit more private?
Heo: Uh, sure, anything man!
(Grass and Heo take a walk into the woods as the scene cuts over to the Pips camp)
Rocky: Okay, before any of you go rambling on and on about nonsense, I am stepping up to take the position of team leader. Anyone who wants to testify can speak NOW.
(no one says anything)
Rocky: Alright, good, now with me as team leader, I promise you all we will glide to the merge with no problems. Now let's start building!
Fiz: But what if like, I sit out of this challenge?
Rocky: Uh, no, you won't. Cus if you do, and we end up losing, then your ass will be mine!
Fiz: Sounds hot tbh.
Toast: Do we have to use wood? Because I think we should use something cool like rocks, metal, or even toasted bread!
Meta: Like, I hate to burst your bubble, Toast,but bread gets soggy and falls apart easily when it gets wet, so if it ever rains, we'll be screwed!
Rocky: Meta's right, we need to stick to wood! Now everyone start building!....... Wait, Dark, how come you aren't doing anything?
Dark: Cus, I'm just too Max Goof to be doing anything right now.
Rocky: Fair enough.
(The scene then cuts to all three teams met up standing in front of Dean Ambrose)
Dean: Alright, well, I've looked at all of your shelters, rated them based on overall greatness, and the scores are in! In first place, it's............................ TEAM KIKE!
Chip: See! I told you guys my plan would work! You all can kiss my ass later!
Dean: And, coming close in second place is................................... TEAM PIP! Congratulations! You guys are also safe at tonight's vote!
Dean: Team Pleb, since you guys didn't build absolutely anything, you guys are in dead last, and therefore will be voting somebody out tonight!
Bat: We would have gotten something built had our team not been all over the place!
Rocker: Great! So because of JRO's constsnt jerking off to video games and RJ's constant annoying Survivor talk, we lost! Thanks a lot guys, like this is just what I needed!
JRO: Hey! Not my fault that Nintendo is so awesome and Dawn is so freakin hot!
Dean: Okay, I have all the votes. If I call your name, you are safe and will recieve a Dean Ambrose action figure! The following people are safe....
Rocker: Thank God!
Dean: ................... Ally!
Ally: OMG! I'm stuck with these losers for three more days! Just kidding! I love these guys!
Dean: ............ Aaaaannnnd Bat!
Bat: Yes! I mean, sorry JRO and RJ!
Dean: And so, it comes down to just one final marshmallow. JRO, your on the choping block for nt even participating in the challenge and for your annoying video game talk. And RJ, your on the chopping block for your constant Survivor talk AND for being a true pleb today!
RJ: Like, rude!
Dean: The final marshmallow of the night goes to.....................
...................................... RJ! *tosses marshmallow to RJ*
RJ: YAY! Suck it, JRO!
Dean: Sorry, JRO, but I saw you jerking off in the bushes earlier, not cool dude! Not cool at all, you sick freak!
JRO: Well, atleast I still have this *pulls out naked Princess Peach drawing* Hehe!
Dean: And for the elimination device, this season we have decided to make a throwback, with....................
(Scene cuts to JRO sitting on top of a giant catapult with his teammates watching in shock)
Dean: The Hurl of Shame! So, JRO, any last words before you leave?
JRO: Yeah, I just want to say that she had a very nice-
(Dean releases the catpult before JRO finishes his sentence, launching him far into the sky)
(JRO then dissappears into the night sky)
Dean: Well, one down, fourteen more to go! Who will get launched to their possible deaths next? Tune in next time for more: Total! Drama! Balls of Steel!