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“Previously on Tits of Gold….”


“After accidentally ratting themselves out, the alliance of Bat, GO, and Ultra found themselves in a deep pickle. Meanwhile, over at the Fuq Bois, a new alliance between Aqua, Lego, Milk, and Mirnish was formed, but was quickly foiled when Ethan walked in on some strategy talk, forcing them to negotiate with him.”


“At the immunity challenge, Ultra failed to show up. The Happy Hams made an explosive dish while the Fuq Bois served shit…. Literally! Sending them to their first elimination ceremony. Prior to the ceremony, Rocky spilled some *FAKE* beans to Aqua and Chwiis, causing them to do some last-minute scrambling, and Mirnish was sent packing in a close vote.”


“Twelve are left, which of these worthless no-names will get blasted next? IT all happens right here. Right now. On Tits! Of! Goolllddd!!!!”


(Intro plays)


(Furious Fuq Bois- Day 7)


(The Fuq Bois are all gathered inside their trailer, hanging out as they try to recover from the night before)


Lego: Last night pissed me off.


Chwiis: Jew mad?


Lego: Stop that…


Chwiis: KKK.


Milk: RACIST! *bans Chwiis on TRD chat*


Chwiis: Wow, I did Nazi that one coming!


Ethan: Ha! *slaps knee*


Aqua: Omg, shut up Ethan! Gosh!


Chwiis: Yeah Ethan, you unoriginal mong!


Ethan: The only unoriginal thing I see here is your gay haircut.


Chwiis: OH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYUUUUUMMMM!!!!


Aqua: Homophobia! Ban this garbage plz!


Ethan: Garbage? So you’re saying we should ban what’s in between your legs?


Chwiis: Damn, get rekt, m8!


Aqua: *rolls eyes*


Milk: Where the Hell is Garret? Anyone see him around?


Aqua: No and I’m glad I haven’t. *shudders*


(Happy Hams- Day 7)


(Bat, Garret, and GO are in the bathroom naked)


Bat: Alright, you guys know what to do, right?


Garret: Oh trust me, you guys are gonna love this! ;)


GO: *pulls out large dildo* WE HAVE BUTT SEKS NOOOWWW!!!!


Bat: *grabs dildo away from GO* Don’t hog it!


GO: BAT FUCK YOU TWINK ASS BITCH!


Garret: Guys, relax, there is plenty of time to share the D. ;) *suggestively licks the dildo* Now, let’s have some fun.


(As Garret begins to move the dildo towards Bat’s ass, Ultra walks into the bathroom)


Ultra: Man, I’ve been holding in this piss for hours- WHAT THE HELL!?


Bat: Oh hi Ultra….


Ultra: ….


GO: ULTRA IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE! WE JUST UH… WORKING ON OUR EGGPLANT FARM!


Ultra: *jaw drops* No way!


GO: TAG YOU’RE IT! *tackles through Ultra and runs out of bathroom, naked*


JRO: *sees naked GO run by him* Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


RJ: Shut up JRO! Go suck Rocky’s dick in hopes he’ll give you power!


JRO: K.


RJ: Speaking of which, where the Hell is Rocky? I need that bastard’s opinions on Safari.


(Meanwhile, outside the Hams trailer. Rocky is seen wrapping a bunch of wires and explosives underneath)


Rocky: This oughtta teach these fuckers. First they don’t wanna vote me out then they wanna steal me cashews, eh? Well hopefully this will change their minds. *finishes up and crawls out from under trailer*


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Rocky: *In Confessional* These guys don’t wanna vote me out and are keeping me on purpose. But just wait, I’ll be hiding up in the hills waiting for the right moment and BOOM! They won’t even know what hit ‘em!

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(Rocky then grabs the explosion button and runs far up the hills to avoid getting hurt for when he releases the bombs)


(Meanwhile, we see Grass and Senor Toastus in their main lodge just outside of the contestant’s campsite, as they chow down on Taco Bell)


Boograssi: Man, these burritos are the shit! Reminds me of the 1950s…..


Toastus: Meh, joder esto en la marcha de mierda! I think I’ll just stick to making my own spicy Mexican food.


Boograssi: You mean the same shit that had me take five visits to the bathroom in a half hour? No thank you. >.>


Toastus: USTED QUIERE LUCHA, coño!?


Boograssi: Uh, sorry, speak English ya damn Spic!


Toastus: No need, I’ve already said too much *snickers*


Boograssi: *looks at monitors* Hey, what the. Did you order a pizza or something?


Toastus: Puta please, I don’t order stuff for delivery and we all know it’s you who is all about that pizza!


Boograssi: Well I didn’t order anything and I see a car pulling up to the campsite.


Toastus: Wonder who it could be. We should check it out.


Boograssi: Nah, I’m gonna stay here and wack off to this edition of Playboy magazine I bought back in 1961.


Toastus: Grrr!!!


Boograssi: Alright fine, let’s go.


(Grass and Senor Toastus the lodge to see what’s going on as the vehicle pulls up in front of them, shining it’s headlights at them)


Boograssi:  *shielding eyes with arm* You think it’s the food storage delivery guys?


Toastus: Nah, I killed those guys weeks ago so that way the contestants can only eat MY delicious-o cooking. Yum-Yum!


(As the vehicle comes to a halt, it turns out to be a limo, as four men dressed in suits and wearing sunglasses step out, one of them walks to the back and opens the passenger door, when a mysterious figure wearing a suit and white gloves steps out and slowly walks up towards Grass and Senor Toastus)


Toastus: What the-


Boograssi: No way! What are you doing here!?


???: I would tell you why I’m here, but you know that I’m too Max Goof to do that, Grass.


Boograssi: Then get off my property, boi. >.>


Dark: Okay *Trollface* But nah, really, I came all the way down here with the Mexican Mafia for a reason. I-


Toastus: Qué? Que es la Mafia Mexicana!? Mierda!


Dark: If you would let the Goof speak, boi, then I could explain all of this. You see, back in Balls of Steel I promised to myself, Heo, and the world that when it was all over that I would get the Mexican Mafia to track Heo down and kill his ass. And that’s exactly what I’m doing.


Boograssi: Then wtf are you doing down here in Australia? Heo isn’t even here and where the Hell did you get all these henchmen and that sweet limousine?


Dark: The great things that comes with outsmarting 14 gullible fools and winning a million dollars sure is Goof-tastic, isn’t it? And no, you’re wrong, Heo is indeed somewhere around here. Because back in Season One before we were divided into teams I sneakily placed a chip inside everyone else’s heads so that incase anyone royally screwed me over, I could track them down later myself. Brilliant, huh?


Boograssi: Wow, so you mean to tell me that I myself have a tracking chip inside me and you will forever know where I always am!? And people call me creepy.


Dark: So my point is, according to my tracking device, it says Heo is among this very land you guys camped out at. And since you seem to have no prior knowledge of his presence here, he must’ve sneaked his way out here with you guys.


Boograssi: Well I have no idea where he’d be at. There’s like a shit ton of landmarks within a 10-mile radius of this place alone, he could be anywhere, and I ain’t looking all over the place for his ass.


Dark: Neither am I. So we gotta agree on a plan or I may as well execute you and your Toast clone buddy over here! ;)


Toastus: Joder usted perra!


Boograssi: Wait, I have an idea! Toastus, go get the contestants and bring ‘em out here, cus it’s challenge time! B)

Toastus: Sí señor!


(Minutes later, all the remaining contestants except for Rocky and Ultra are seen gathered around Grass, Dark, and Señor Toastus)


GO: HOLY CRAP IT’S DARK….. YOU VOTED ME OUT LAST TIME YOU SON OF A BITCH!


Aqua: What is he doing here anyways?


Chwiis: Whatever the reason is, he still has a tiny shaft.


Dark: Ikr! I only have the DVD version while you have the Blu-Ray.


Boograssi: Alright everybody calm down. Now, you’re probably all wondering why I brought you guys out here. Well, Dark here claims Heo is out here in our location, hiding somewhere.


Ethan: I knew I smelt nerd around here somewhere!


Garret: OMG! That means more diversity added to the mix. ;)


Boograssi: Calm down Garret. We need him alive. Because Dark here is after him and so I’ve decided to make this your next challenge: First team to find Heo and bring him back here will win immunity while the losers will know the drill seeing as how both teams have been to the elimination ceremony now. Now get going before Papa Grassi gets killed by the Goof-Hole! >.>


Bat: But like, we only have four people on our team, and they have six.


Boograssi: Pretty sure you have six too seeing as how each team has lost one member so far.


RJ: No! He’s right. Rocky and Ultra are missing.


Boograssi: Ooooohh… Hmm….. Ah, fuck it. Sucks for you guys! :P Now get ready, set….. GO!

GO: THAT’S ME! *dashes off*

Bat: Wait GO, wait for us you idiot! *Runs after GO as JRO and RJ follow*


(As the Happy Hams go West, the Fuq Bois take the East direction, minutes later, they are seen in the hills)


Lego: I can’t believe we have to search for that homophobe Heo just to win immunity.


Aqua: Ikr! We should just burn that bitch instead!


Garret: Don’t worry guys, I can convert Heo to our sexuality. *rips off clothes to nothing but a g-strap and does a seductive little dance* It works with guys all the time. ;)


Everyone Else: .....


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Aqua: *In Confessional* As a proud member of the LGBT community, I can safely say that Garret creeps me out *shudders*


Ethan: *In Confessional* The other night I woke up in my bed with Garret laying next to me… Naked! I just hope that by the end of all this that I don’t get raped.


Lego: *In Confessional* Garret needs to shut his girly ass up! Also, did I hear Ethan make a rape joke just earlier!? OMG, that isn’t cool! *gets out laptop and makes a rant blog about it*

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Milk: Hey, I have an idea, Chwiis, can’t your shaft make Heo magically appear right in front of us? Or at the least, a clone version of him?


Chwiis: No, but I can make it do this: *makes a random Mexican guy appear in front of them* See!


Mexican Guy: Por Que?


Ethan: But that guy looks a bit TOO Mexican. Isn’t Heo Honduran or something?


Chwiis: Meh, all beaners are the same to me.


Lego: *Gasps* Bigotry! Somebody report this person!


Aqua: Yeah, um, err, bigotry! Never tolerated it, and I sure as heck have never said a racist remark in my life before. *adjusts shirt collar*


Garret: Don’t worry guys, I can take care of this one. *Walks up to the Mexican seductively* Hola, amigo. ;)


Mexican Guy: ¿¡Qué diablos!? Haz de mí, freak!


Garret: Oh I’m a freak alright… In bed! :D


Mexican Guy: Dios, por favor me ayude. Ruego a ustedes!


Milk: Knock it off, Garret. This guy is good enough. We just need to find some nerdy clothes and a pair of glasses to dress this guy up in. You know, as a disguise.


Aqua: But this guys speaks full-on Spanish though. They’ll know it’s not him and that we cheated.


Milk: Eh, Grass wouldn’t notice the difference anyways.


Ethan: But Dark might.


Lego: Shut up Ethan and listen to Milk!


Ethan: Shut don’t go up.


Chwiis: OOOOOOOHHHH DAAAAAAYUUUMM, SON!


Lego: Ugh, you’re so annoying!


Chwiis and Ethan: *at the same time* Who?


Milk: Forget about it, let’s just dress this guy up like Heo, take him to Grass and hope for the best.


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Milk: *In Confessional* Yeah, I know, I’m a genius. Pretty soon enough, I’ll lead this team to the merge! I just need those two dimwits Chwiis and Ethan out of the picture first. #MilkshakeStyle!


Chwiis: *In Confessional* I don’t get it, my team doesn’t seem to love my unique sense of humor. Everyone here is so damn “politically correct” and butthurt. They just need to understand that I’m only trying to be optimistic about all the hate going on in the World. That’s all. Maybe they just can’t resist my sensationable shaft and are trying to hide it?

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(Meanwhile, the Happy Hams are seen in the woods)


Bat: Well this is just great, I’m stuck in the woods with GO, and for what? Heo?


RJ: Ikr! That and we gotta deal with JRO of all people.


JRO: RJ, could you please stop being an ass to me for five minutes of your life?


RJ: Shut up and die of diabetes already!


JRO: K.


GO: HEY GUYS! I HAS AN IDEA! WE START AN RP, THEN WHEN WE GET BACK TO GRASS, ONE OF USE PRETENDS TO BE HEO AND ROLEPLAYS AS HIM!


Bat: Yeah because that’s totally gonna work, right?


JRO: It’s not gonna work, pretty sure it won’t.


GO: SHUT UP JRO. NOBODY ASKED YOU IF IT WILL!


RJ: Yeah JRO, just stop talking, or start getting into Survivor, at least.


JRO: Alright, I’m just saying though. When it doesn’t work out, I’ll say I called it.


RJ: You didn’t call anything except that always hungry stomach of yours. Now I better not hear one more word out of your mouth for the rest of the challenge, or else…


JRO: ……… K.


RJ: Grr, that’s it! Time for you to get #Blindsided mister!


JRO: Blindsided? Wtf does that even mean- *gets tackled by RJ*


Bat: *facepalms self* We are sooo screwed.


GO: AND TONIGHT, I SCREW YOU! DIG IT!?


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RJ: *In Confessional* I can’t wait to vote JRO’s fatass out of here. Next challenge we lose and he is gone!


GO: *In Confessional, jerking himself off* WOAH, THERE IS A CONFESSIONAL CAMERA IN HERE!?

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(Back at the camp, Grass, Dark, and Señor Toastus are waiting for the contestants to come back)


Dark: I better not leave this place without Heo, Grass. Or else it’s you and Señor Toasty that gets it!


Toastus: It’s Señor Toastus to you, hijo de puta yo!


Boograssi: Hold up guys, I see them. They’re back!


Dark: Bout time too.


(The members of both the Furious Fuq Bois and the Happy Hams are seen coming in from both sides as they arrive at the main lodge area)


Boograssi: Alright, I see that the Hams don’t have anything?


Bat: Sadly, no.


Boograssi: Ah, I see…. What about you, Fuq Bois?


Aqua: Matter of fact, we have found Heo.


Dark: Really? Let me see him!


Milk: *shoves Fake Heo towards Dark*


Mexican Guy: ¿Qué demonios está pasando aquí?


Dark: Hey, this isn’t Heo. *takes off Fake Heo’s glasses* It’s just some random Mexican dude.


Ethan: Worth a shot, wasn’t it?


Dark: I don’t appreciate it when people waste my time, Grass. Where is he?


Boograssi: I don’t know, Dark. I guess you’re just going to have to take us instead.


Dark: Very well then, come with the Goof. Both of you.


GO: WAIT, GRASS! YOU GIVE US IMMUNITY NOW!


Boograssi: GO, now isn’t the time for this.


GO: YOU GIVE US IMMUNITY OR ELSE WE RP AND MARATHON FRIENDS NOOWWW!!!


RJ: GO, just forget about it, we lost.


GO: NO! GRASS, YOU GIVE IMMUNITY, OR ELSE…


Boograssi: Or else what?


GO: OR ELSE, UH… OR ELSE WE GO BOOM! YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, GIVE US WIN OR ELSE WE WILL ALL GO BO-


(Suddenly, the trailers for the Happy Hams explodes behind GO and everyone starts to fly all over the place, as the explosion begins to fade away)


Boograssi: What the Hell?


GO: HOLY CRAP, IT WORKED!


Bat: Our home, it blew up!


JRO: Now where will we sleep!?


RJ: Not with you, obviously.


JRO: K.


Boograssi: Okay, I wanna know who the Hell was responsible for this!


“Woo-hoo! Yeah! That’s right, bitches, bow down to your master, motherfuckers!”


(As a voice can be heard in the distance, Grass, Dark, and all the contestants look up over in them mountains to see Rocky, with a detonator in his hand, as he celebrates)


Rocky: Whatchu gonna do now, son!? Cus I am the new king of destruction! Wooooooooo!


Boograssi: Damn you, Rocky! Get your ass down here, now!


Rocky: With pleasure! *ecstatically runs down the mountain*


(Later, Rocky arrives to the site of the explosion, where the Happy Hams trailer used to be located, as the others are at the scene)


Rocky: Man, was that amazing or what?


Boograssi: You’re in serious trouble, mah boi. I’m gonna get killed by Dark and your teams is still gonna have to vote someone out in a couple days!


RJ: Yeah, cocky, thanks a lot!


Bat: It would have been JRO next, but now we gotta sleep outside because of you.


Rocky: I can’t wait!


Boograssi: Wait, what’s that?


Rocky: What’s what?


Boograssi: What you’re standing on.


Rocky: Huh?


(Rocky backs away and everyone notices a square shape covered in all the ashes, as everyone wipes them away and uncovers it, they notice a metal ground door)


Dark: Well what do we have here. *opens door*


Others: *gasp*


Boograssi: Well I’ll be damned.


(Everyone looks into where the door was opened and see hiding underground to be none other than Heo, bearded up and almost unrecognizable, as he is surrounded by empty DQ cups that had been eaten out of)


Dark: A-ha! Found you!


Heo: Uh oh?


Dark: *pulls Heo out from the hole*


Boograssi: Heo? What the Hell were you doing under there? Were you there this whole time?


Heo: Yes, it’s true. I heard about Dark’s message to me, didn’t think much of it at first, but then one day I noticed men in suits following me everyday after school. So I couldn’t take it anymore and followed you guys here and hid myself.


Boograssi: Well I’ll be damned.


Chwiis: Knew the Hams trailer smelt like Mexican food.


Dark: Welp, guess this means you won’t be getting executed, Grass. And thanks to Rocky’s bomb going off, we were able to find Heo!


Boograssi: Then I guess this means that, for the second time in a row, the Happy Hams win immunity! And it’s all thanks to Rocky.


Rocky: B-But, I-


RJ: Yay! What would we ever do without you here, Rocky. Also, read the rest of Safari!


Rocky: *Gets down on both knees and looks up at the sky* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Damn you, Dark!


Dark: Love you too, Rocky. *Trollface*


(A shadowy figure begins to appear from underneath the rubble, as it turns out to be Ultra, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist and a shower net on his head)


Ultra: Woah, like what happened guys? All I remember was that I was taking a shower, then all of a sudden, BAM! Everything around me just exploded! It was wicked.


GO: ULTRA, YOU MISSED THE CHALLENGE… AGAIN!


Ultra: For real?


Bat: Yeah, but don’t worry, cus we just won!


Ultra: Phew! Okay, good, that’s all I needed to hear.


Boograssi: Alright, Heo. Get going with Dark. Oh, and since you’re gonna die, can I have your phone and laptop?


Dark: Actually, Grass. I change my mind.


Grass: What do you mean?


Dark: Seeing everyone make an ass out of themselves today has amused the Max Goof enough to not take Heo in *trollface* But don’t get too comfortable, Heo. Cus one of these days I will get that ass for real. Anyways, I’m off, see you guys later.


(Dark proceeds to walk away and gets back into his limo as it is seen driving off into the distance)


Boograssi: Well then, since Heo is here we might as well make him useful. I say this would be the perfect time to have him debut as a contestant this season.


Everyone Else: NO!


Aqua: We don’t want Heo on here.


RJ: Yeah, why is he allowed to compete when you’re just gonna rig it for him if we ever try to vote him out.


Ethan: Plus, he got me out in Total Drama College. Such bullshit!


Boograssi: Too bad, I’m the host, and I say Heo is now in!


Chwiis: This is ghey.


Rocky: Grass, you may be the host, but I am the writer of the show and your name wouldn’t even be mentioned once this whole season if I felt like it. And have always said no to returns and debuts in my fanfics. So Heo is not debuting for as long as I live.


Boograssi: Nah, I’m the host, and I say Heo stays and competes. Matter of fact, just like my RPs, every challenge from now on will happen when I say so. I don’t care if you guys can’t, cus everything happens on MY time. So like I said, Heo is in, and if you don’t like that, you’re gonna have to #DealWithIt! B)


Rocky: That’s it, I will use my writer’s powers to stop you right this instance! *randomly whirls fingers around towards Grass*


Boograssi: ……. Ugh, fine! Sorry Heo, I tried, but it looks like it’s back to Arizona for you.


Heo: Well crap. How am I gonna get back? Someone has to give me a ride or something.


Boograssi: Got that taken care of. Rocky, use your little powers to give Heo a source of transportation.


Rocky: Certainly *makes a large catapult appear in front of Heo and Grass*


Boograssi: Say, is that the Hurl of Shame from last season?


Rocky: Indeed.


Boograssi: Alright, Heo. *Lifts Heo up and places him onto the Hurl of Shame* Where to, Mexico, right?


Heo: Wow, Grass. You just mentioned earlier that I am from Arizona. You racist! >.>


Boograssi: Meh, Arizona is basically Mexico with American money and taxes. Take him away, Toastus!


(Señor Toastus pulls the trigger for the catapult as it launches Heo far away)


Heo: MIIEEEEERDAAAAAAA!!!! *disappears into the sky*


Milk: Well now what?


Señor Toastus: I’ll take this Mexican back with me to my little “shop” Hehe. *grabs the Mexican Guy and drags him away*


Mexican Guy: Ah joder!


Boograssi: Well, not much else to say, other than the Fuq Bois are voting another person out in a couple of days. So get to stepping!


Lego: Great, now what do we do?


Ethan: We do…. Your mom!


Chwiis: OHHHHHHH SNAP!


Aqua: I think I have an idea.


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Milk: *In Confessional* This is a tough call, Chwiis and Ethan are both annoying. Either way, good riddance.


Ethan: *In Confessional* Tonight will be awesome! Just like last time, these fools won’t know what hit ‘em! B)

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(Elimination Ceremony- Night 9)


Boograssi: Alright, the votes are in, the following are safe:


Aqua




Lego




Milk




Aaannd Garret!


Garret: Yay!


Boograssi: Which means our bottom two are Chwiis and Ethan. The past few days the two of you have annoyed the Hell out of your teammates, so it seems one of you will finally pay the consequences, while the other will still have a chance to redeem themselves, and that lucky person is…..




………..




…………

….




……




…..


….


……




…….




Chwiis! *tosses marshmallow to Chwiis*


Chwiis: Thank fuck!


Ethan: What!? Aw man, but I was having such a great time out here!


Aqua: See ya never, Ethan.


Boograssi: The Flush of Shame awaits my boi.


(Later, Ethan is seens floating inside of a giant toilet)


Boograssi: Any last words?


Ethan: Yeah, did you like deez?


Boograssi: Deez what? Wait, no I-


Ethan: DEEZ NUTZ! HA! *slaps knee* GOTTI!


Boograssi: …. Yeah goodbye. *pushes button*


Ethan: Ah CRAAAAAAAAPP!!! *gets flushed*


Boograssi: That’s the last we’ll ever see of that guy… Hopefully. Anyways, will the Fuq Bois make a comeback? Find out on the next episode… Whenever that may be. Welp, I’m Boograssi, saying goodnight folks, on Tits! Of! Gooolldd!!!


(End)


(Preview for Episode 4 plays)


“Next time on Tits of Gold:”


“Being on the outs, Chwiis struggles to fit in in order to stay alive”


Chwiis: Soooo…. Who else wants Drake to murder my pussy?


Aqua: Ok, Amanda Bynes.


“And a crack within the Fuq Bois alliance begins to fold”


(Aqua is seen arguing with Lego and Milk)


Milk: Why won’t you tell me and Lego what the problem is!?


Aqua: Ugh, like, maybe if the two of you were in my face less often, I would begin to appreciate you more.  


(We then see a bunch of Socks lying in hospital beds as the contestants are doing surgery work on them)


“And in the immunity challenge, the Socks of TDRPW pay a visit to the doctor’s.”


CRACKERodney: *lying in chair* You’re straight white American man, so I can trust ya to go smooth and easy on me, right?


“While Rocky is still going at it”


Rocky: Uh, yeah, sure, whatever you say man. *Gets out chainsaw*


“It all happens next time on Tits of Gold, Episode 4: Dr. Hoe”


(End of preview)